...well? How did I get here?
It's official--I'm 40.
As I knew I would (and had hoped I wouldn't), I wound up putting myself through a frenzy of busyness the two weeks leading up to my natal anniversary (which was also the date of the party), including full-time work, contractor hell (the pergola went up in the backyard literally the day before the party), shopping, baking, cooking, whipping, frosting, prepping, cleaning, and not sleeping well (I averaged about six hours per night and often less), which ensured that the day went by in a blur. I had hoped that, for a change, I could face a birthday with quiet presence and composure, fully conscious of the passage of time and appreciating the turning of the year. No such luck--not with forty-odd people in my 950-square-feet abode. I pinballed from guest to guest, enjoying them all immensely but not really connecting deeply with anyone...alas. On the other hand, none of the Jerry Springer antics I had half-feared, half-hoped would happen did, either. Everyone got along marvelously (unless the Marx Brothers-style cake fight happened while I was showing off the damn pergola....).
And now the obvious question: well?
How does it feel to be forty, RM?
Um.
Odd, actually.
I've felt somewhat melancholy and out of sorts since the weekend. I can't possibly describe this year as anything but the Year Of The Bus (as in, the one I keep getting thrown under); in both my professional and personal life, whatever was going phenomenally well LAST year has turned completely to shit.
(Not to put TOO fine a point on it.)
The funny thing is, what I'm feeling right at this moment is somewhat difficult to describe (which is my way of warning you that, in my long-winded way, I'm going to try--so you might want to jump off here and go find some other, more interesting, blog). I feel UNCOMFORTABLE, like a snake about to shed its skin--chafing against the confines of a life that no longer fits me. I've felt an odd sense of being in a liminal space, in the calm center between worlds....not quite here, not quite there--that something new is emerging, coming into view--and that some solutions to the problems and questions I've been wrestling with over the last couple of years will finally be made more clear to me, so I can finally take action. I have a feeling that, by this time next year, my life will look very different. I can't wait--I've been under this bus so many times in the past six months I'm beginning to think that the sky is made of crankshafts and carburetors....
So, add to my answer to the question of how I feel.....'warily hopeful'.
More soon.
RM
