Journal of a Silence, Day 5

Kill me. Kill me now.

As I think I mentioned previously, I have been mostly avoiding going out this week so as not to have to use my voice. Well, the cabin fever got so bad I couldn't stand it any longer, and so I planned a sortie to hit a couple of outlet stores (momma gots to do her shoppin' SOMEtime, children--youknowhutimean? I can only stands this austerity shite for so long!) and then to Walgreen's for some toiletries.

Well, I screwed up. I admit it. I whispered to the clerk at Walgreen's, I whispered to the clerk at the Nordstrom Rack, and--worst offense--I ran into a neighbor while walking home and inadvertently replied to her greeting with a full-voiced "Hi, how are ya?"--shocking myself by hearing such a loud noise emanating from my mouth after so many days of quietude. I immediately retrenched, smiling sadly and mouthing "Oops--I'm not supposed to talk--sorry!" to her coupled with my now-usual slashing finger motion across my throat, but the damage was done--not so much to my vocal cords, which, I'm sure, by now are as fine as frog's hairs, but to my mood, which until then had been buoyed by the thought of the additions to my threadbare closet. I was so mad at myself, and my inner critic had a field day bawling me out--how fucking hard could it be to not talk for a few days, dumbass? Sheesh, you've been practicing for five days now, and you STILL fuck it up. Idiot.

I'm pretty frustrated. I'm really over this 'vocal rest' stuff. Really. I'm not supposed to have dairy or alcohol, either, as both are bad for the voice (one causes mucus, the other dries out the cords)--so guess what I've been craving all day (even though I never normally eat this way!)?Yep: a big ol' fucking pizza (extra cheese, please), with a pint of fucking ice cream for dessert, washed down with a whole fucking bottle of red wine. Fuck, yeah. Screw you, vocal cords.

Except that--oh yeah, this is the hard part--to order a pizza, I'd actually have to pick up the phone and TALK to someone.

'sigh'.

Pardon my whininess (as well as my swearing--I don't think I've ever blued up an entry this badly before!), but DAMN. All home and no talk makes for a realllllllly cranky mezzo.

Hurry, Friday, hurry....

RM